Bald As a Coot
November 20, 2006

My living room looks like the Oval office and my bedroom looks like I am single handedly running the presidential campaign.

I tell ya, this writing lark ain’t just sitting behind a laptop ya know. It takes research and careful thinking.

I am not watching endless one person shows for my own entertainment and pleasure.

No I am watching em to see if I can nick anything!

Anyhow I needed to get out and take a break and so on Friday I went for LASER treatment number six on my nether regions.

Yep bald as a coot.

Not completely pain free I felt the need to prepare a little for the procedure.

Firstly I smear the area with numbing cream and wrap it in cling film/ food wrap.

Luckily for me it works better as it warms up and so I add it as a pro in my pro’s and con’s list of being in a wheelchair.

After about 30 minutes I check in the mirror to see if my arse and nether regions are still attached, because it feels like they have completely disappeared.

I slip and slide on my seat and imagine this is the feeling of standing on ice - only it’s warm.

On arriving at the clinic I unveil the now roasted but more importantly numb area and lie back and think of England and of course, brace myself myself and hold my breath big time.

Expecting all mod cons (this is America afterall) I get slightly concerned when she brings out a credit card and uses it to cover the crucial bits, but I soon relax into it as I notice it’s American Express Gold – only the best!

She did however apologize that they had run out of tongue depressors.

Oh the material I could write about that, but it’s not that kind of show darling!

So why do I do it?

Well firstly I love men – all of them.

I actually believe they were put on the earth JUST for me to play with.

And since being single I took it on myself to research what men like, I mean what really turns them on (a vocal survey you understand) and 8 out of 10 men said they prefer no hair.

One gentleman asked if it was a hygiene thing?

I said “I guess so, I like to keep it clean enough to eat your dinner on it”

He said “What an interesting thought and asked when and where my next dinner party was?”

Note for the girls, if you have a man or woman for that matter and they never mention it, then a piece of advice.

Leave well alone and order a take out, it bloody kills.

A couple more celeb friends.

Take it or leave it, I tell ya!

—Tash x