Keeping It Real
November 13, 2006

Now I don’t want you to think that my time in Hollywood is all glitz, glamour and mixing it up with celebrities, because we all know that’s just Hollywood hype. And even if it was, you don’t really think a girl like me would be interested?

Course not, my feet are firmly on me footplates at all times.

Keeping it real man!

Alright give me a break, firstly the English cold weather ain’t good for me.

You don’t keep your girls strapped in like mental patients when you’ve paid all that money for them, you get your melons out, get em breathing. (Words stolen from a film I have been cast in – details to follow). These puppies deserve respect and a daily airing into the LA sunshine. Speaking of puppies, this leads me nicely to the break up of me and my lovely dog, Zoe. She has now retired back to the middle of England and is having a blast with her new mum Jenny. I am told she waits every morning in the kitchen for her toast and is then whisked to the park with her new mate, 12 year old collie dog - Polly. “Thelma and Louise eat your heart out”.

So to prevent the loneliness from taking over and to stop me vegetating behind the computer screen – I had to take important steps to get out, meet people.

Join a little social group, you know the thing, make new friends.

So I did.

I am now an official member of BAFTA/LA (the British version of the Oscars for the US peeps). It’s so exciting. I have my special DVD player and movies are arriving for my personal viewing.

And finally my social life has taken off.

Wednesday I met Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman and Will Ferrell at their latest movie screening – where I hung with Emma and she asked me to forward show info!!!

Thursday was the BAFTA/LA Cunard Awards and not one to miss an invite to a celebrity bash, I get me glad rags on and arrive at The Hyatt Regency.

Sadly a little late, I get flustered at the sight of flashing lights and then I hear

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please take your seats…..”

Rushing in, I grab a man (nothing changes) with a headset thing on and ask where I can find out my table number. He’s on his radio for a mo and them I am frog marched quickly to table 82 – so quick and in hot perrrsuuiit of him, I miss the TV cables covered by one of the ramp things, fly off it and am catapulted through the air.

It looked like a scene from Dukes of Hazard!

So there I am staring at the dashing chandelier hanging down from the ceiling with me daisy dukes all in tatters, wondering where the exit door is on THIS side of the room, because I so need it right now.

Suddenly Mr Headset stands over me and asks me if I am drunk.

“No you bloody idiot I mumble, I went flying over your cables”

He helped me up and to my astonishment Stephen Fry’s entrance on stage saved the day and only a handful at the back got to witness my Arse over Tit entrance.

My table had 3 Independent film producers, all full of personality and bullshit. British though, so it wasn’t your everyday hardcore Hollywood hype bullshit that sadly I have come sort of used to, it was bullshit with charm, bullshit with elegance, bullshit I was starting to enjoy, bullshit I was beginning to take part it.

The guy sitting to my left had come with the Voice of Transformation – Singer, Speaker, TV and Radio Host – Lynn.

A lovely leggy blonde.

I was informed that this was their second date but in fact they hadn’t seen each other for a few months. On Lynn’s left was the rather handsome Matt and it seemed the two were getting on a treat. Sharp as a nail I immediately took charge of a possible nasty situation and told the guy I would soon be moving in on young matt and easing him away from any attempts of being transformed by Lynn and to think of me as his wingman.

Now as nice as Matt was, I later found he was married and had a young baby at home and so immediately lost interest and went in search of stars.

Dustin Hoffman was first and indeed it was getting to feel quite comfy as Dusty and I were together the night before. Dustin has tiny ankles (they are shown in a scene in his latest movie) and so I told him:

“I had tiny wrists, see wrists of a 5 year old”

This led me to think of my tiny tadpole feet and so I showed him:

“Look, god forbid him up there should ever wave a magic wand and get me walkin, look at em, feet for a 10 year old – ass for a 40 year old, it’d never work – see”

He smiled and laughed and I moved onto Robin Wright Penn (wow she is beautiful). And for me even more so, because she played the part of Jenny in my favorite film Forest Gump.

Oh I know, I know but it was the first film I loved without having a desperate urge to do the job of the lead. I did however drive everybody mad by using quotes from it, like:

“Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what ur gonna get”

or if someone called me stupid I would say:

“Stupid is as stupid does”.

Before this it was Dirty Dancing which took me to a new sphere in my childhood. Oh how I dreamt of thrusting me bits in to someone else’s and seductively dancing the night away. But it would never have worked, girating in ya wheelchair just isn’t cool, I tried it once and looked like a right wally. The whole script would have to change, they’d be shouting:

“Stick baby in the damn corner would you”.

Then it was Pretty Woman – now I’d a made a great hooker, got the mouth for it. But it just wouldn’t have been the same and yet again another script change would be needed.

“2000 dollars for 7 days and 6 nights? Get away with ya, I’ll give you 50 bucks and be grateful”

Then I met Tim Robbins. Told him I didn’t have a ticket, told him I just wheeled on in.

“It’s great man. Two things get you somewhere in this town. Being famous or being in a wheelchair”

I suggested that if his career ever went down the toilet that he just popped down to the nearest medical store and picked one up. I also gave him a hard time for stealing me dad’s new wife.

My dad divorced me mother to marry Susan Sarandon, turned his life totally upside down and everything.

He smiled and laughed and so I moved on to Forest Whittaker who sat with his arm round me for ages – dirty bugger!

Actually it was because the woman taking the photo had the lense thing closed and I just left her to work it out and used the opportunity to tell Forest that he is definitely going to get an Oscar for The Last King of Scotland. He said thank you for your compliment and asked if I liked the movie.

I said

“Not seen it, but Oprah says you’ll get it and if Oprah say’s so then that’ll do for me kid”

He smiled and laughed and he gave me a kiss, dirty bugger!

And finally to the legend. Mr Eastwood, Clint to me. I asked him what it was like to be a legend.

He said he’d never thought about it.

“Really!” I said

“Well I suppose I know what you mean, people tell me I am an inspiration and all I do is sit on my arse all day”

He smiled and laughed, in fact they all gave me a smile. Rachel Weisz, Sidney Poitier, Anthony Minghella..

But just when you think you need a night in to wash ya hair, your whisked off to the Fox Studio to meet and greet the History Boys cast and director, watch the movie and hang about on the lawn sipping tea.

I’ve got a show to write ya know!

This week I am hanging out with Emilio Estevez and Will Smith unless of course I have to wash me hair.

Not star struck at all me.

Take it or leave it!

—Tash x